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Some essential truths

• A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill the average house 4 inches deep.
• A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• If you hook a dog lead over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 4-stone boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.
• The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Domestos makes smoke. Lots of smoke.
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
• Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• Super glue is forever.
• No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jelly.
• VCR's do not eject jam sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Rubbish bags do not make good parachutes.
• Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
• It will however make cats dizzy.
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Fibber!

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, ''Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark''.

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, ''Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands.''

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Then said the preacher, ''You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.''